Sometimes as peacebuilders, we are so caught up with external conflict–Syria, Central African Republic, Burundi–that we get blindsided by familial interpersonal disputes that erupt over the holiday season. Sibling rivalries, memories of childhood trauma, growing pains with younger family members…somehow, they all coalesce into a very happy holiday.

So what’s a professional peacebuilder to do in the midst of family conflict? Here are some suggestions…

Avoid Escalations– Preventative diplomacy isn’t just for hindering the escalation of violent conflict. Using some humor can break up a tense discussion. Making space for new forms of interaction between family members can also prevent disputes, whether it’s watching a neutral movie or going for a walk. This also applies to you: self-care goes a long way in maintaining your sanity.

Give and Receive– We usually think of giving and receiving in terms of a wrapped present. But building peace over the holiday season is more than what’s on your shopping list. Small acts of service, demonstrations of humility, compassionate attention to the needs of others: not only do these actions recreate and refresh the atmosphere at home, but they also help ease emotional stress for individual family members.

Love is a two-way street, but receiving is a harder task for many people. Finding the courage to open your arms and accept support is a challenging and humbling act. In the midst of intrafamily conflict, turning to others for advice and empathy not only eases your own stress, but it opens the door for greater compassion and understanding.

View Reactions as Coping Mechanisms– When faced with upheaval in my family, one of my brothers reacts by trying to control the actions of those around him. For a while, I got frustrated and indignant at his aggression. But recently, I remembered how easy it is to conflate reaction to conflict with the conflict itself.

Reactions to conflict generally fall into five categories: confronting (I win, you lose); accommodating (I lose, you win); avoiding (we both lose); compromising (we both win); and problem solving (we get to the root of the disagreement and solve it). While it’s not usually advisable to jump in as a mediator in a family conflict (after all, you’re not really a “third party”), staying mindful of how relatives react to conflict can help you wade past the surface-level reactions and understand the root issues at hand.

Regardless of what unfolds at home over the holiday season, embrace conflict as a harbinger of growth. Disagreement, however unsettling, can uncover deep rifts. Honest and compassionate acknowledgement of those rifts can put families on a path to greater healing and peace.